“She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like wings" ” ― Ariana Reines

Strong women... it's all over my feed. What does it mean to be a strong women. Are they born? Are they made? I think both. I know many who I would consider strong women.

They have something magical about them. They are Women that inspire me. They aren't famous, they aren't economically rich but as I ponder they all have one thing in common. They have dealt with some SERIOUS sh!t. They have been broken, they are vulnerable. If you ask them how they are, they will bloody tell you. They will cry, they will tell you when you are pissing them off and tell you when you aren't towing the line. Straight from the heart, no bullsh!t or they will say they are fine even though they have no idea what they are making for dinner, was late to work because they had to a load of washing because their child vomited at 2am, they are late with their rent, their car needs a service or their husband is really unwell.

They have cracked the code. No one is saving them so they roll up their sleeves and get sh!t done.Yet these women are the first to lift you up when you need a helping hand. The first to ask, are you ok? The truth is, a strong women is strong not because she wants to be. It's because she is not her situation. She knows she needs to be strong now but craves for the day when she doesn't have to be anymore even for a moment.

I thought I was a strong women, my life being held together with a thin thread which could break at anytime if one of the million things in my life didn't fall into line. Working full time, having 4 kids and being in a marriage that eventually ended up rewiring my self-thought to go against my morals to allow myself an excuse why I should stay in an abusive relationship.

One day I left, I continued to be "strong" being the solo income earner, reviewing emotionally the damage and scars the toxic marriage left on me which some of which I still carry but then one trip to India ripped me to shreds.

My spirit/soul was like a tower of Jenga blocks, each of life hurdle took a block away and my coping mechanism was to throw away the block. I didn't need it. I was strong! Then in India I was forced to be still. I didn't have the job to keep me busy or kids to care for to focus on and a house to maintain. It was just me, all of me. I could see all my holes and one more hurdle hit me and baaam! My tower fell down.

It's been a long road of self inquiry since and building new blocks to builder a stronger Jenga tower and with each block that is taken away, acknowledging and processing why it has been removed and finding the block and putting it in my backpack. Then when I was ready, taking the block back out of the backpack and using it to rebuild my new tower, not in it's same form but in the form of a lesson in hopes the same block doesn't get taken out again but it might. It might be taken out a few times but each time it will come back a little different until it doesn't get removed anymore. However it might, it might continue to be moved throughout my life but that's not for me to worry about. All, I need to think about is about the block in my hand and know I have all the blocks I need. I just need to deal with the level in front of me and if I do that, every level will be secure and whole.

India's ultimate lesson was that it's my blocks and my towers. I can't control how and when a block is removed but I can control how they look when they get back in.

So to my strong women, breathe, cry, get a babysitter. FEED YOU! All of you!

Everything can wait, it truly can. Close your eyes and see you through your eyes. Give yourself credit. Tell yourself you love you. Tell yourself that you are proud of you. You don't need to be strong all the time and when you realise that.. You be wise, strong, whole and healed. X

Rishikesh, Uttarakhand, India